My sweet, sweet boy. It’s been six months since the day you were taken from me. People say they can’t believe it has already been that long, and I can’t believe it hasn’t been longer. It feels like it’s been at least three years since I’ve heard your laugh, seen your smile, or felt your Read more

People keep telling me, “I don’t know how you do it.  How do you keep going through this?”  Guess what? I have no idea.  Before Lawrence died, I suffered a couple of bad bouts of depression.  There were times that I briefly thought about suicide.  But knowing that I had him counting on me kept Read more

Last night I fell asleep to the sound of teenagers talking, laughing and giving each other shit. Aaaah, heaven! Lawrence’s friends have been an enormous help to me in the days and months since he’s been gone. They text and stop by often, they take out the trash, they help clean the house, they make Read more

What is a mother whose child dies?               Is she a mother still?               Is she a bereaved shell? She is that mirage laughing and walking beside you, just going through the motions               She. Lives. My heart silently screams;          All day, all night:               “WHERE ARE YOU?!!?”, it cries.               “I WANT YOU!!!”, it Read more

One of the hardest things to hear after Lawrence died was that I’ll never be the old me again. The person I was before this tragedy happened no longer exists. It was hard to hear, because I liked the old me. I did a lot of work on the old me. My life hadn’t been Read more

Taking care of my heart My grief therapist says that I’m doing great, and I can feel that I’m making progress. But it has been a lot of hard work. I have had to be very introspective and conscious of what I need each day. I am lucky to work for a company and have Read more

At the beginning of this year, I decided to plan a road trip to celebrate my 50th birthday. I posted in Girls Love Travel Facebook group asking for suggestions for places to see live music. A lot of the ladies who replied suggested Summerfest in Milwaukee. I looked it up, since it seemed perfect, I Read more

Let me start by saying that I work in a medical field. I’m a student of science, and I like facts… that being said, there are many things that have happened since Lawrence died that science cannot explain. It IS possible that I’m reading into explainable coincidences, just hoping to find a continued connection with Read more

As Lawrence’s mother I had the extraordinary privilege of being a first-hand witness to all of the important milestones and the moments that shaped his life. When I was pregnant, I remember laying on my back, eyes fixed on my belly, just waiting to catch his first kicks. I soothed his first cries, delighted in Read more

In addition to trying to navigate through the grieving process, because my son was murdered, I have the added stress of learning first hand about the court system. It’s all very complicated, and nothing moves fast. This is where we are at the moment, Gunnar was arraigned in juvenille court, and after a 4 hour Read more

3 o’clock this afternoon, will be exactly 12 weeks since Lawrence stopped living. There are still days I can’t get out of bed. The seemingly smallest things can crush me. For example, I was doing laundry and at the end of folding, as usual, I was left with several unmatched boy socks. The thought crossed Read more

Music was a constant companion for Lawrence and I. His first concert (in-utero) was Prince in 2003/4ish. His first actual concert was Elton John with a 2-Cellos opener (1st grade, age 7) He and I saw Buddy Guy and Jonny Lang the next year when Lawrence was in 2nd grade, and he was so disappointed Read more

Everyone has different beliefs about what happens to us after we die, and I’m certainly no expert. What I can tell you is that there were so many times I felt my boy’s presence in the days and weeks after he died. I didn’t have visions or feel invisible hugs but there were definitely signs Read more

Everyone worries about knowing what to say to someone like me in a time like this, but that is a worry that is impossible to relieve because there are no words that can make it make sense or ease the pain. What I found most comforting in the hours and days immediately after it ended Read more

Tuesday, June 21, 2022 was just a normal day at work, until it wasn’t. I was sitting at my desk when I received a text from an unknown number: 4:37pm- “this is Jay, Lawrence’s friend, I just heard something, where’s Law?” “ppl telling me he just got shot” I called Jay and he said that Read more