One of the hardest things to hear after Lawrence died was that I’ll never be the old me again. The person I was before this tragedy happened no longer exists.
It was hard to hear, because I liked the old me. I did a lot of work on the old me. My life hadn’t been easy, but it had molded me into a person who I’d want to be friends with. I had a career that I loved and was really good at. I had a son who I adored and admired, who felt the same about me. I was smart, I was funny. But now I was gone.
It has been 20 weeks since Lawrence died and 20 weeks since the old Bethany disappeared.
What do I say when people ask if I have kids? How old is he? It hurts to see the their terror and embarrassment when I tell them the truth, but I can’t bring myself to answer that no, I don’t have children….. anymore.
So who am I now?
What am I now? How do I do this?
I honestly have no idea. I catch glimpses of this new me when I look in the mirror and notice that my eyes no longer shine with playful energy. They are sad and dull, tears barely disguised behind every smile.
I also recognize that my perspective on absolutely everything has changed. You always hear that life is too short to be unhappy, to sweat the small stuff, to have regrets. I believed that before; I FEEL that now. I breathe that now. Life is too damn short, and can be snatched away from us at any moment. Take the trip, buy the concert tickets, live with no regrets.
I went back to work about a month ago. While I used to feel pride and accomplishment at work, I feel incapable, slow, distracted, forgetful, and not very good at what I do. A few nights ago I had a dream that I was at work and had started an appointment, then left the building, just walked out. When I was outside, I found myself in a different place, a city I didn’t recognize. It was bustling and full of sights to see, so I explored. When I remembered that I had an appointment waiting, I tried to find my way back to the hospital. But the more I searched the more lost I became. I woke up still searching.
Searching for my next steps, should I quit my job? Find something different? Something less challenging, something more appropriate for someone who has to take regular cry breaks, is always distracted and can’t remember a conversation 10 minutes after it happened. Is there a job description that includes that particular skill set?
I know my wounds are still fresh, and I won’t make any rash decisions. I hope the answers become more clear as the days and months pass by. Until then, I guess I keep searching, and getting more acquainted with the new me. And hope that one day, I will again find myself in the reflection in the mirror.
After the end 