My sweet, sweet boy. It’s been six months since the day you were taken from me. People say they can’t believe it has already been that long, and I can’t believe it hasn’t been longer. It feels like it’s been at least three years since I’ve heard your laugh, seen your smile, or felt your…

People keep telling me, “I don’t know how you do it.  How do you keep going through this?”  Guess what? I have no idea.  Before Lawrence died, I suffered a couple of bad bouts of depression.  There were times that I briefly thought about suicide.  But knowing that I had him counting on me kept…

Last night I fell asleep to the sound of teenagers talking, laughing and giving each other shit. Aaaah, heaven! Lawrence’s friends have been an enormous help to me in the days and months since he’s been gone. They text and stop by often, they take out the trash, they help clean the house, they make…

What is a mother whose child dies?               Is she a mother still?               Is she a bereaved shell? She is that mirage laughing and walking beside you, just going through the motions               She. Lives. My heart silently screams;          All day, all night:               “WHERE ARE YOU?!!?”, it cries.               “I WANT YOU!!!”, it…

One of the hardest things to hear after Lawrence died was that I’ll never be the old me again. The person I was before this tragedy happened no longer exists. It was hard to hear, because I liked the old me. I did a lot of work on the old me. My life hadn’t been…

Taking care of my heart My grief therapist says that I’m doing great, and I can feel that I’m making progress. But it has been a lot of hard work. I have had to be very introspective and conscious of what I need each day. I am lucky to work for a company and have…

At the beginning of this year, I decided to plan a road trip to celebrate my 50th birthday. I posted in Girls Love Travel Facebook group asking for suggestions for places to see live music. A lot of the ladies who replied suggested Summerfest in Milwaukee. I looked it up, since it seemed perfect, I…

Let me start by saying that I work in a medical field. I’m a student of science, and I like facts… that being said, there are many things that have happened since Lawrence died that science cannot explain. It IS possible that I’m reading into explainable coincidences, just hoping to find a continued connection with…

As Lawrence’s mother I had the extraordinary privilege of being a first-hand witness to all of the important milestones and the moments that shaped his life. When I was pregnant, I remember laying on my back, eyes fixed on my belly, just waiting to catch his first kicks. I soothed his first cries, delighted in…

In addition to trying to navigate through the grieving process, because my son was murdered, I have the added stress of learning first hand about the court system. It’s all very complicated, and nothing moves fast. This is where we are at the moment, Gunnar was arraigned in juvenille court, and after a 4 hour…